Rambling

Our stake is doing a triathlon this September. I'm all about doing it, but for some reason, when I set out to do something, I tend to go above and beyond- somewhat extreme. I'm realizing that if I am going to train for running for this, I need a jogging stroller- I need to run on real ground rather than a treadmill. The problem is, is that when I do it- I also want the best. The best jogging stroller in my opinion is a BOB stroller. The problem that I have, is that we have done such a good job of staying out of debt, that to get one, it'll take me a few months to save up for it. But I need to be training *before* that time.

I also need to buy a helmet for the bike ride...not a big deal, but once again, I want the best. I would like my own bike rather than a borrowed one. I would like to go on family bike rides. So to get my own road bike is another $$$.

Then there's the swimming. I bought a swim membership through the courtesy of a friend, and I got a pretty steep discount, but I only have pretty swimsuits...not utilitarian. It's difficult and uncomfortable to swim in pretty swimsuits...who knew?? (I didn't) - so there goes some more $$.

I think I'm to the point where I'll train but I may not do the race. It's all coming down to money. I don't, nor want to invest that much money when I'm trying so hard to cut back to basics to save for a house.

There was a speaker in church the last 2 Sunday's about women putting too much on their plate. That they need to let go and stop being so hard on themselves. It's taking A LOT of self reflection to admit to myself that I'm doing the best I can. I am in a VERY different space at this point in time from a LOT of women. I'm not entirely OK with it, but maybe I will be eventually. I don't get to be the stay at home mom where I can go out and exercise 2 different times a day. I'm not the childless woman that can do what I want, when I want. I'm not a mom of child(ren) that I can leave and know they can take care of themselves while I take care of me. I have 2 full-time jobs, and unfortunately, training for a marathon is not one of them, and I don't feel as though it should be. Elisabeth is my number 1 job, and I refuse to change that. I know I have my job at the school, but ultimately, she is my priority.

A few people have asked me why I work out of the house if she is my priority. After some searching I think I've finally run the rounds and come up with decent answers.
I work so that my child will *never* have to go without.
I work so that I continue to educate myself.
I work so that my child will grow up to know that she too, may do whatever she wants-
I want her to know that she doesn't HAVE to be a submissive barefoot and pregnant woman.
I want her to know that woman have value, in AND out of the house.
I want her to know she deserves to have accomplishments that aren't just through her offspring.
I want her to know she doesn't NEED Prince Ronald.
I also have a lot of student loan debt. It would be selfish/rude/stupid to forget about that debt. It would be inconsiderate to make Drew pay for it alone. I was the selfish one to go and get my Master's degree, and so it is my responsibility to pay it off- not his. (Same with his student loans- I'm not paying those things! hahaha)

Anyway, the point is, is that I have made my choice. It may change tomorrow, in a month, year, or never. I need people to stop pestering me about it. If I decide to stay at home with a subsequent child, then so be it. If I choose to work through all the children I may have, deal with it. But if you're one of the people that keep asking me about this, please stop. Please know that I'm doing the best I can with what was given to me. Sometimes there isn't a Happily Ever After, but rather an Ever After...and most days, I'm OK with that.

I think that's enough for now. Let me show you my baby :)